2. Orgasm #4: Wait, you can access that from where?

             There’s a strange sort of numbness or disbelief that sets in, when everyone but you stops being amazed at the fact that you have no job. It’s like walking around in a really mundane dream. Nobody else seems to think it’s weird that you can make a dentist appointment for pretty much any hour on pretty much any day of the week. Imagine! When did you last make the time to go to the dentist at all? The first time the doctor’s office asked “and when is good for you?” I replied with a very sophisticated “Uuhhh…” followed by such a long pause that I was tempted to hang up, claiming I couldn’t find my calendar and I’d have to call back. All the parameters I’d ever used with which to answer that question were gone. When WAS good for me?? I honestly didn’t know. Well certainly not morning… We all know I’m not going anywhere in the morning… With that thought, I think I said something like “Not too early” and then took whatever appointment she offered next. It might have been the moment I first started scheduling my life around sex. I had to schedule it around something, right?

             I started planning my days in reverse: If we were going to stay up drinking and fucking that night, I’d need to make dinner early… What was something easily digestible?  How long would it take to cook? Maybe instead I would set the kid up ahead of time to be prepared to fend for himself. What was a good excuse for that? Okay then factor in time for a bath – did I have time to go to the bookstore for new porn that day? (I dearly love to read porn in the bathtub, especially the cheap, false historical kind with corsets and petticoats and riding crops. The only thing more fun is going to the bookstore to buy it. I like to peruse each potential volume and make a stack of possibles to scan for the frequency of hardcore bondage or ass-fucking scenes. Or virgins being deflowered, obviously. Go slow. Let your opinions show on your face. It’s important to make it apparent to the people perusing the shelf next to you – it’s usually plays or poetry - exactly what you’re doing.)

            I like ass-fucking in real life as well as in porn. Have since the very first (accidental, tragically unprepared) time. But it only ever got me off under rare, very specific conditions, and it always scared me (admittedly, that’s part of the fun). The thing is though, when you plan your day around something, you’re necessarily going to end up thinking about it all day. Do that enough, and whatever it is you’re thinking about is going to get more… let’s go with interesting, when you finally get to do it. Now my husband is an ass-man, and like many men has never experienced a moment in time during which anal couldn’t be seen as a good idea. However, I’d never really let him rail me like that. I’d probably only let him sink to the hilt a scant bundle of times, and mostly only reached orgasm from it when he had me hog-tied at the foot of the bed. (We’ll get to restraints, later.) Even still, it was always orgasm #2.

Clarification:

·      Orgasm #1 is clitoral. It can be achieved manually or orally or, well, in myriad other fashions. Like most women, orgasm #1 was how I first discovered masturbation as a little girl – in my case I was riding a pillow in an imaginary horse race. La, la, la.

·      Orgasm #2 is vaginal. The vast majority of the time I achieve it by riding my husband’s cock, from above. This is an entirely different experience than orgasm #1, despite the fact that my clit is usually getting stimulated at the same time (unless I’m reversed, facing my husband’s feet, or in the aforementioned hog-tied ass-fucking scenario).

·      Orgasm #3 is a G-spot orgasm that results in what is commonly though unpleasantly known as “squirting.” My husband is particularly adept at this. Skillful enough that I have never run out of orgasm #3 on him; he can make me do it over and over and over again – even after I’ve reached a point where I have sworn out loud that I cannot possibly cum again, he has only taken it as a challenge and proven me wrong.

But like I said, anything you spend enough time thinking about will inevitably become more, well, interesting, and this part of the story is about how orgasm #3 mysteriously transformed into orgasm #4. Ass play has been something I wanted to get better at, for ages. My husband used to give me homework, and I’d buy plugs or those little vibrators that are so small you can’t imagine why people buy them, to practice. The thing about practice though, is that it takes a lot of time. You know when you have a lot of time? When you’re unemployed.

I bought myself a new ass toy. You know those glass or Pyrex ones that are so pretty? I got mine in pink, because I hate pink – I’m blonde and blue and so pink makes me feel like Barbie, which is only anything but heinous when it’s Barbie getting railed in the ass. Then it’s awesome. It quickly became my favorite toy.  Which means it was usually tapped in the evening. Which means I was thinking about it the next day. Which means it got more interesting.

That was the part where I began to get really, truly, good and ass-fucked. (In case you are a curious woman who doesn’t already know, until you get good at ass-fucking, you learn basically by fucking your own ass, using his cock. Do not let him drive. Sit on him like you’re going to ride him, and back up. Slowly. It’s fabulous at the first entry, like a finger in your ass just when you were about to cum anyway. Then just beyond that, there is a moment of panic. You should embrace it, instead of pulling away like your instincts are telling you to, because when you get past that, your world changes. When you get past that, you can ride his cock with your ass like you do it with your pussy.) This is where the mystery lies. See, the easiest way to reach the G-spot for orgasm #3 is by facing a woman, slipping two fingers into her quim, and pressing toward yourself in a beckoning motion. Into the FRONT wall of the vagina… So it doesn’t make any sense that a cock fucking me in the ass, BEHIND the BACK wall of my pussy, would trigger it. And yet.

Orgasm #3 is like having two cups of hot water involuntarily pour out of your pussy. Orgasm #4 is like that, on steroids. It’s like orgasm numbers 2 and 3 at the same time. There is no semblance of control in me. There is no objective perspective standing back from the action. No voice in the back of my head saying “Wait, what do my boobs look like, in this position?” Orgasm #4 makes me thrash; it makes me flail; it makes me forget every other moment, past or yet to come, and every other particle of life that exists outside the bedroom door. Job? I don’t know what job you’re referring to.

("Beggin' on my knees, baby won't you please...")