I’ve
mentioned the deflowering of virgins. It’s one of the things I look for in
porn. I think though, that I may have said it and just played through as though
that was it. In reality I have to admit that I’m a little preoccupied with the
idea. Infatuated, maybe. I don’t have sex fantasies like I imagine other people
do. If I’m having a fantasy, imagining something happening to me or living a
life that I don’t, it’s not about sex at all, it’s about needing to escape from
the world for awhile. It’s about what it would be like to live on a
pre-Christian earth, or it’s a new chapter and custom developed character in
one of my favorite books. I think we all imagine things for ourselves, don’t
we? If you’ve been the one everyone leans on at work for weeks on end, you
might put yourself to sleep with the idea of somebody rescuing you for a change. Or if you’ve been used
and unable to do anything about it, you picture the revenge, right? Justice
served, redemption, we fix these things for ourselves, when the universe isn’t
doing it for us. I think that’s normal. (If it isn’t, don’t tell me – just let
me go on believing I’m not weird for it. I’m weird in enough other ways.) I
also think it’s normal for people to have sex fantasies, it’s just that I don’t
do those the same way. Don’t think I don’t make up stories about sex. I have many
original erotic scenarios that play out in my head, but I’m not in any of them. They do not involve me. I watch them like
movies. I don’t know why I don’t participate in my own brain porn. Maybe it’s
the nature of the scenarios: They are all about virgins being deflowered. I’m
pretty sure that’s not even an exaggeration. If there are any alternate plots
or images, I can’t think of them off the top of my head. My head is full of
virgins. If I’m about to orgasm and I’m not focused on the immediate present,
watching and feeling and actively experiencing, trying to memorize every moment
of what’s happening to my body and mind in that exact, delicious point in time,
if my brain has unhooked itself and been swept away in the sensation of being
righteously fucked, I’m thinking about virgins. Guaranteed.
I
don’t know why this is. I don’t think it stems from my history. My own first
time was neither exciting nor catastrophic. It’s ridiculous to say “nobody
ever” in a world so full of people; anything you can think of has likely been
done at one point or another, but the number of women who reach vaginal orgasm
during their first time has to be so small that “nobody ever” can’t be all that
far off the mark. It hurts. There’s no getting around that, is there? Even if
you don’t have a hymen, the penis would have to be pretty damn small not to
stretch you beyond where you’ve been stretched before. So I think most of us
have a deflowering story that’s either traumatic or embarrassing or sort of
uneventful, beyond the life event of no longer being a virgin. I know there are
lots of people with stories that are sweet and loving or whatever, but as far
as the physical sensations go? I don’t think those really make great fantasy
material either. I had a boyfriend who was five years older than I was, and in
college. He’d been a counselor at my summer camp – the cute one, even – so he
was a major score and of course I was totally caught up. I knew what I was
doing. I lost my virginity on purpose. But as far as those physical sensations
go, hell yes it hurt, and no way was I even close to orgasm, at any time. I
pulled his head down next to my ear (missionary), so he couldn’t see the pain
on my face, and I waited for him to finish. I guess it was good for him because
he came twice (I didn’t even know enough to know that was unusual), but all my
pleasure came from the knowledge that I’d gone through with it. That was it. So
what’s the appeal?
Unlike
how I did it, the vast majority of the virgins in my head don’t know what they
are in for. The one I think of as the first virgin (though honestly I don’t
know if she really was there before the others), doesn’t intend to lose it at
all. She has said, previous to the act, that she doesn’t want to. It’s not a
rape fantasy though. My head doesn’t go there. It’s a manipulation. He talks
her into letting him put the head of his cock against her pussy and asks her if
it feels good. Of course it does. When she admits that, he takes it as a
reversal of her decision and is so quick to shower her with “I knew you’d like
it” and flattering dirty talk over how good and hot and tight she is that she
lets it happen in order to live up to his praise and expectations of her. She
makes no attempt to stop him. She lets herself believe he didn’t exploit her
naïveté, that he didn’t engineer the whole thing. Okay so it’s borderline date
rape. Maybe not even borderline, but she’s not unhappy afterwards. At least she
wouldn’t be if I ever let her get to afterwards, but I never do. Either I’m
back in the moment by then or I’ve brought up a new virgin. I have a lot of
them to choose from. There’s one in corset and petticoats – you know how I love
the false historical porn – who loses it in public in the balcony of an opera
house. Half the people in the other balcony boxes are watching her instead of
the opera (you’ve seen Dangerous Liaisons, right?), so she can’t protest for
fear that they will laugh at her, not to mention her desire to please the man
who skillfully arranged for it to happen. Actually I can get her twice:
Sometimes the opera happens the night after she’s been deflowered, so she’s
still incredibly sore. Her lover exploits that while he has her bent over the
rail by pulling out to save her the pain and taking her in the ass, instead, whispering
to her that no one can tell where his cock is, so as long as she doesn’t show
her surprise, they can’t tell how much she likes it there. Yeah, most of the
men are total assholes in disguise. There’s one who is especially bad. The girl
in question is a willing participant, but he makes her look him in the eyes at
the moment of breach, so he can see the pain of it on her face, makes her tell
him as it happens, say it out loud… The scenes aren’t all about fear and
discomfort, though. I’ve actually played with that idea of how it could be possible
to have a vaginal orgasm the first time having sex. That’s another willing girl
– more than willing – she’s dying to lose it, but her lover has dragged it out.
He has spent weeks doing everything else to her, teaching her, bringing her to
orgasm with fingers and toys, so that she is accustomed to coming before she
ever feels a cock inside her. Imagine how great an orgasm that would be, if it
was the first time you’d ever felt your pussy full of real, flesh and blood
cock. (I wonder now if that happens to women who saved themselves until they
weren’t young and stupid. Maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’ve always assumed.
I’ve mostly only known women who lost their virginities as I did, at a very
young age – which I guess is why all the virgins in my head are girls. There is one woman I know. I’ll
have to ask.)
I
guess when I start lining them all up like this, it’s pretty clear what must be
the appeal for me, after all. The thing they all have in common is a lack of
control. You don’t have to read back very far here to see that’s got me written
all over it. Some aspect of knowingly being used. (In fact, sometimes even that
man in the delayed, orgasm intended deflowering brings in somebody else at the
last minute to do the actual deed, much to the virgin’s ineffective dismay.) Maybe that's also why I'm not in any of my own sex scenarios - like I said, my virgins never know what they are in for. The hottest part of the scene is knowing exactly what's going on. This has been happening to me a lot, lately: I have some really early memory or
take a close look at something that’s been true of me forever, and see obvious
evidence of the submissive it took me so long to recognize in myself. For a
smart person, I can be pretty fucking obliviously stupid. So, virgins. Young
ones. There aren’t many people more easily manipulated sexually, than young
virgins who want to please a man. I guess it’s no wonder my head is full of
them.
(Fourteen, fifteen, close enough.)
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